Entry: the reason to all the whys Wednesday, November 08, 2006



I've been trying to put my schedule together for next semester, and I am really starting to feel that it is all going to happen... that I am really going into Nursing. When I look back to the last few years, beginning from grade 11, it's almost like a big joke, like I am just going back and forth with all of this. I love the recreation field, and I am so proud to be in the field, but many people wonder, like helen asked, why would I give it up when I have such a passion for it? But to me, I am not giving anything up. It is precisely because I fully understand what recreation is about, I know it isn't something that I could just throw away because I am not in the program... it is precisely because I fully understand what recreation is, I know I will continue to live and breath recreation, even when I am in Nursing. In fact, it is because I know what recreation is about, it will make me become that much better of whoever I become. And I know, I will stay in the field, and even though it is not a promise I am willing to commit to, I do think I will get my degree in recreation after the Nursing degree. Just because I will no longer be part of the Langara recreation program, it does not make me any less of a recreation person, and to be able to combine my recreation background with Nursing, I think is that much more of a gift.

It gives me much confidence in knowing that I know what I want to do with my life. I can't see myself working in a hospital for the rest of my life... I want to travel around as a nurse. In a way, I see that a Nursing degree is my ticket to every part of the world, and honestly, what could be a better career than that? My friend is looking into finishing her recreation degree in U of South Australia. If it works out for her, that may be where I am heading to as well in 3 years.

Well, there is a reason why I am saying all this... I guess I really mean to say that, I am very aware of what I am doing.  I have a very clear sense of direction and I know very well what I am doing right now and where I am heading... including where I am at in regards to my relationship with God. I will put it right up front, and be honest to say that, I have only been to church a few times after I came back from China 4 months ago. I have a lot of good reasons, or excuses as you guys may see them as, but I don't think those are things you want to hear. But something else that I know you don't want to hear is that, I am very happy and content with where I am at in life, and that includes where I am at with God.

I guess Iris kinda got it from me on Saturday when she asked me why I wasn't going to BSF. To be honest, it got frustrating and almost annoying how it seemed like all I was hearing from Helen and Lynn every time I talked to them was about how I should go to BSF, as if there was something wrong in me not going. I know it's "good", and I know it's cause you guys care, and I guess it's my fault cause I haven't kept you guys updated with what's happening in my life, and I admitt it's so much easier for me to go on without your little reminders.

I am very happy right now, and I don't feel that I am losing out anything by not attending church or not going to BSF. In fact, what I do see is that at least I get to spend Sunday mornings with my family before I head to work, which really is a huge bonus for our family now, especially seeing that Josie will be leaving in the next year or two. And it is not like I have just walked away from God and don't care anymore, I do devotions every night and I always pray. God is constantly on my mind. I know, I have heard it many times, noone can really be a Christian without attending church, but by attending church does not make me a better Christian. I know I haven't learned much in our sermons, and nothing in Sunday School, in the past two years. I know we need fellowship with brothers and sisters, but I do have a circle of Christian friends. So what am I missing out on?

There's probably so much more you guys can say to encounter every point I make, but I don't put this out there because I need any of you to tell me why I should attend church or why I should go to BSF. I put this out here right now because I want you to know I am very aware of what I am doing, it's not like I am lost and need directions or guidance... I know exactly where I am going, and I know exactly where to go when I need that spiritual nourishment. If you know anything about me, I am very stubborn, and you telling me ten billion more times that I should go to BSF is not going to make me go; if anything, it's going to turn me away. And if you know anything more about me, I will only feel secure and peaceful when I know exactly where I am going. I admitt that even after all these years, I am still not able to let go of everything and leave everything in God's hands, I am not even close to being able to do that, simply because I go into panic mode when I don't know where I am going and what I am doing. And that has become even more apparent to me after I've begun driving, I always make my dad tell me exactly where I am going before I even start the car, because I simply cannot drive around with no destination, even though I am more sure than anything that my dad will take care of me.

I say all this in hope that you guys will really understand the real reason why I haven't been going to BSF, because it just comes down to that, I know "not able to go because I stay at school til 5:30" is simply one of those stupid reasons that basically means "I don't want to come". I was getting tired of myself for using stupid reasons like that because I know how frustrated I get when my senior cadets always told me that they couldn't show up because "they are busy" when none of them could be anymore busier than me and that they are just giving me stupid excuses. If I can get off school at 5:30 and somehow make it to cadets and change into uniform by 6:45, there really isn't a good enough reason why I "can't" go to BSF, except the fact that it isn't important enough to me for me to make that effort.

So I have put this all out in complete honesty, you guys may judge me for it, you guys may not agree with my rationale. But again, I am not saying this trying to convince anybody of anything, because I don't think I need to do any convincing, as long as I know what I am doing and that I am not hurting anyone around me. I just hope that maybe you guys will understand.
   2 comments

Lindy
November 9, 2006   03:19 PM PST
 
i realize that i have been nagging at you too much about BSF. i'm sorry.

and i agree with keith that BSF might not be where you need to be at this moment. i also agree with keith that gathering to worship God is commanded by God. and being a command it's not something you can just back out of, even for the noble reason of spending time with your family. God is more important than your family. this isn't the guilt trip, it's what Christ said. perhaps changes have to happen in your live so that your sundays are free to worship God and you work one less job so you can be with your family during the week. this may seem harsh, but what are your priorities? is building up your relationship with God your number one priority or is getting more work experience or making more money or even spending more time with your family your priority?

you have a circle of Christian friends, but we aren't always together in regular fellowship, so that doesn't really cut it for regular fellowship

you know where to go for directions and guidance, but that just seems like God is an ATM for you to go and ask every time you are in need. but a relationship is reciprocal, faith demands action, like serving at church. The church isn't just a building where you worship God, it's the body of Christ and right now, you've basically taken yourself out of that body, which renders you (as a body part) useless and the church missing a vital piece.

yes, perhaps sermons/sunday school aren't helping, but can i say that they aren't supposed to 'help' in that way? it's not supposed to make you feel better, happy, the focus is NOT on you. worship is glorifying God, it's not for your own enjoyment, happiness... it's for God's enjoyment, it's for us to take the focus off ourselves and give glory to God. can i challenge you to reflect on your own heart's attitude?
How are you living out your faith? What sort of things are you doing for God, and not yourself, and how are you giving credit to Him and not to yourself?

i'm not here to accuse you of anything, but as your sister in Christ, i am obligated to say something (even though i feel mean when i'm saying it) when i think you aren't following God's will.

and how do you know God's will based on your own study of God's Word? i don't think there's anyone out there who can say they know the will of God without consulting with mature Christians (like the pastor), fervent prayer, among other things.

without communicating with your Christian community regularly, how can you build each other up? The bible tells us that iron sharpens iron, but by yourself, you'll just get duller and duller in spiritual matters.

Please PRAY about this joanas... i'm not saying that you don't have valid points or reasons. But isn't it time that you realize you're impeding your own spiritual growth by refusing to attend worship and some sort of study of the Word? complacency in our faith and feeling assured that we're mature enough in the Spirit is one of the worst traps to fall into. i pray for a fire and thirst for His will and his Word in you.

I've raised some difficult questions, some probably you rather not have read. but i ask sincerely that you consider them with honesty to yourself and to God and search for any pride or self-righteousness or selfishness in you. If after a honest search and confession to God, and Scriptural defence for your withdrawal from church and not getting baptized, and also after consulting with someone you know who's a mature Christian, maybe auntie pearl or pastor dan, and you feel at peace with your decision not to come to church and not have fellowship or bible study, then that means God approves and we have no argument against you.
Keith
November 8, 2006   11:30 PM PST
 
I will pray for you...Not going to BSF is not a problem, BSF is not for everyone at any time, God may have needs for you else where at certain times so I totally understand why you don't feel BSF is "worth it" for you at the moment. But not going to church, not having fellowship is a big indication of where you are with God. I am not here to lecture you ...this is precisly the reason why I put what I put in the comment on your xanga for your birthday entry. It is God's commandment for us to set apart a time for him to worship him, it is in the bible that christians are to gather around and break bread (remember Christ) together. Don't let the "I" take over in your life...we are weak...its Christ that is strong and through him we become strong. Read over what you wrote and see how many "I" there were in there....re-examine yourself....BSF may not be what you spirituall need or can handle right nowl.... but there is no reason why one does not go to church. I will keep you in my prayer just as I have everyone in HIJKL in my prayer~ I admit that I haven't been praying for HIJKL for a while...but its time to pick that up again~ ^^ I will say the same thing I said on ur birthday entry on xanga...I pray that your relationship with God will take priority in your life

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