gah... i think i have overworked myself -.- didn't sleep til 4 both nights and have to wake up early. working so many days, and trainings at nights... and of course, the wonderful projects and midterms. it was horrible at work today. i whamm'd my head against the shelf while climbing up the ladder twice, my manager thought i was gonna get a concussion. trying to put some shoes back, but ended up knocking the the whole stack of shoeboxes over -.- completely at lost of words when a customer asked if the jacket was waterproof, when it was obvious that it was just water resistant. wanting to slap the stupid retarded customers that came in today cause they were being so unreasonable - this lady came in to try on roller blades, she stuck her foot in and was like "o it's too tight", so i was like "o you haven't done up your laces and buckles yet, you gotta do those up first before you decide on a size. that way it pushes your heel down and further back....", "yah i know, but it doesn't fit"... "o... that's cause you need to do up your laces and buckles....", "go get me a bigger size", "..... o.... okay", "let's go, i have don't have all day!"... yah retarded customers like that make me mmmmad. and o yah, my fall from the ladder... that wasn't pretty at all.

those are all signs that i have overworked my system o.o it's horrible cause i can't feel that i'm overworking myself, cause i can't feel myself being tired. cause of my stupid hyperthyroidism, everything just speeds up so much more that my system is just going and going and going... so i don't know i'm overworking myself until i'm physically breaking down. i was so close to tears at the store today. like, my coworkers and managers are aaaaawesome, i cannot ask for any better colleagues... but i'm so tired x.x

i think i'm stretching myself too thin... x.x sportmart, ccc, piano, cadets, 6 courses... like, i can handle it all so far in the sense that i have been able to make time for all of them... but i don't think i can do it for long. i haven't eaten dinner with my family for over a week o.o and that really goes to show how busy i have been.

i think i really gotta give something up... but i don't know what can i give up...
sportmart - i just started and it's a great place to work for with awesome staff to work with. and working was the reason why i went into sportmart in the first place o.o but they are honestly giving me too many hours XD it's stupid how someone would complain about that.
ccc - it's been 5 years, and i do wanna continue my "connections" or relation or w/e you call it there, especially when i am in rec...
piano - i love teaching little kids piano, i'm having so much fun, and i see how they are improving so much, and it's simply unfair to teach them for a few months, then tell them i can't teach them anymore cause i'm "too busy"
cadets - i think we all know i am never gonna give that up until i reach 19
6 courses - haha, yah give up my schooling why don't i -.-

but if i continue to take all this on, i'm gonna go insane... and i don't think i'll be able to handle it all. i think one of the biggest problems is the fact that everything so clumped together. like... all the work from my courses are clumped together, by that i mean we have like 6 major projects on our hands right now. and as for the rest, i'm always rushing from here to there one after another cause things are all schduled on the same day or w/e. i love being busy and i have a huge passion for everything that i'm doing right now, but iunno... i don't wanna get to a point when it's just too much and i'm gonna explode. and i never wanna sacrifice my school marks to realize that i'm doing too much, i'm so determined to work my butt off these two years. and if i took anything away from outward bound during those five days, it's determination.

prayers...

so i was just surfing around, and ended up at lindy's blog, still at her entry about leo... i've missed leo, and i've especially been thinking about him lately. it's been almost 5 months, and it's his birthday soon, i hope andrew and leon and them can support each other the way they need... i remember the pain we all felt on karen's birthday after her death. just one of the... "firsts".

i've missed leo... i remember all the school years that began, i would always keep my eyes open to see if leo was around in the hallways and such, and it always gave me some kind of comfort to see him. but well... this school year didn't start the same way as the previous 6 school years, but i guess... it's not just because i couldn't see leo around, but still...

leo, karen... i've missed you two.

whoo i'm tired. which is completely fine, i mean, it's about time i get a bit tired. :P yet, i'm not tired. haha. like i'm physically drained out, but i'm so happy. i haven't been so happy doing something for so long. i don't want the summer to end, not because i want to have the time to go out or whatever all these other people do, but because i want to spend more time working at the community center, spend more time with the kids.

nonetheless, i've been pretty drained out. with my stupid schdules of 7am-6pm. i don't mind, but honestly, is that even legal XD or worse, my schdules of 7am-9:30am, 11:30am-6:30pm. like what is that, 2 hours of nothing in between. but again, that's not something that i am unhappy about, just something that's been taking my energy away. but that doesn't matter, i love my job, i love what i've been doing... with a hhhhhhuge happy face :)

so... i thought i would do a little reflection on this summer.

summer at cambie was very different this year. i felt that there was something missing since the beginning, but i didn't know what it was til wednesday at our volunteer appreciation dinner. so after the dinner, chris (a volunteer, he used to be my little daycamper :P) came up with the most brilliant idea ever --> "let's walk home, it's only going to take 20 minutes." we are talking from city hall x.x and a few of us brilliantly agreed and started walking together. mind you it was a dress up thing, so i was in my 3-4 inch heels. o the brilliance. anyway, there were a lot of laughters, and blaming each other for our "brilliance" and blah blah blah. nonetheless, it was a great night to remember, and we had so much fun together. and that was what we were missing from the staff this year, the energy and the completely spontaneous and out of the blue acts. or even just our brilliance in this case. XD I mean yah that was just dumb of us. but that's what it used to be like at cambie. all of us would be so stupid together, there used to be so much energy between us. and i missed that this summer. Like... I missed all these spontaneous and stupid things that we did, or that our staff were willing to do.

nonetheless, this was one of the best summers i've had, second best i would say. the best is still the summer with justin, william, garner, and mascha. we rocked. anyway, i've always loved my job. this year was different because my summer was incredible because of the fantabulous kids, not because of the staff...

kids... --->

victoria - i have the most fun with her. we can literally just sit together and laugh, for no reason at all, or just reasons that we don't know of. like i'm serious, we'd be sitting side by side, look at each other and just laugh. we were playing Memory today (cards), it was soooo funny. we'd be screaming and jumping around, and we just have so much fun with each other. everything just seems that much funner with her. she didn't come last week cause her mom took a week off so victoria got to spend time with her mom. and geez, i missed her like crazy that week. i love victoria. we have so many "moments" together that i can hardly even begin to talk about them.

amanda - amanda is such a sweetie. what do i love about amanda? too much to name. it gives me a very warm and sweet feeling inside that every morning there would always be this girl running up to me and gives me her biggest hug. and that is only the beginning. like... no matter how tired i am or how sick i feel, a kid like her just makes all the difference in my world. she is one of the many kids worth me getting up at 6 every morning for. i love her so much.

hana - hana is such a baby XD hana is a very spoiled brat, but she is, nonetheless, so adorable. hana is an attention freak and also a cry baby. no, i don't know why i love her so much XD to an extent, i think it's just the fact that no matter what she did, i just can't get upset at her, 'cause she always tells me that i'm her best friend. she'd be like "joanas is my best friend". but of course, i dont' favour her and let her get away with things anymore than i do with other kids.

chelsi - this is what she taught me one day, with actions XD --> "losers, owners wanna be a man; you don't got the looks so talk to the hand." XD i love her. i still remember the day when we played cats and craddles in the rain and she wouldn't let me go back inside. haha. my love for her is just so simple.

kyle - if i were someone that just began volunteering, i would find it virtually impossible to love this kid. but i'm not one that just began volunteering, i love kyle. it's been so many years with kyle, and i guess i care for him so much because i've seen how he's suffering from ADHD more and more over the years. it's an extreme challenge to work with kyle, just cause he relaly knows how to push the limits. he knows very well where my limits lie, he tries to push it, but he knows exactly when to stop. but i feel bad for some of our volunteers, kyle just pushes them way over the top, cause he know he can. but i guess it gets easier, cause i know what kyle's really interested in and what he likes, so i pretty much "lure" him with thsoe things. haha... it's bad, but it works :P

angus - o little angus... it's been quite a few years with little angus too, except he's not little anymore. hehe. angus is so funny. he'd always come back and tell me all about his weekends and all the things he did. i love angus so much. :D

josef - o joseph is amazing. joseph has some problems with his speech, but he's a really smart kid. and he has really good memory. like it's shocking how much he can remember. he would remember your name even after not seeing you for like 2 years, whereas most kids would probably forget after like a month. and joseph is like a big brother to all, he'd always take care of the little kids, be their washroom buddies and all. joseph is just amazing. he has inspired me in so many ways.

samantha - smantha is not easy to work with if she doesn't know the leader. but once she gets to know you and if she likes you, it's awesome fun with her. she's very... "fair", and i see a lot of that side of her playing games with her and such. i love samantha, and she loves me XD

andrew - same as samantha (they are step sibilings), it's very easy to work with him once i got to know him and started playing with him. he's very stubborn and.... straight forward. he's very straight forward in saying what he thinks without considering other people's feelings. i don't get mad at him, i mean... he's only 9, kids at 9 are suppose to just speak their minds. but i'm slowly trying to let him understand that we can't hurt other people's feelings, and i think he's starting to understand. working with andrew started to get really easy when i learned to give him chill out times and talk to him when he's calm and all. i love andrew, and he follows me around now XD and he always wants me to play speed and jenga with him. haha.

i wish i can not say this, but lately, i can't help but just admitt that life saddens me. i am one that's so full of life... but at this moment, i really feel that life sucks. like yah surely i'm grateful for all that i have and all that God's given me... but life just.... just sucks.

Leo battled through brain cancer for 6 years and lost the battle...
Cally's friend just died at a crash on his motorcycle, not so much just...
Karen lived a life that touched so many others apparently ran a red light (no i am never going to believe what that woman said) and her fruitful life ended
Some guy that Phay knew passed away too, but honestly, I didn't even care to remember what happened, cause it was the same week of Karen's funeral

And now... we just found out that Jacky has a tumour in his brain. Jacky's not even 10 years old yet. I've watched him grow up since he was a baby, he's one of my favourite children. I love Jacky so much. He's such a sweetie. His mom and my mom were classmates, and thus, you know the typical stories. Our story is typical, but it's not dull. He's just... such a good kid. I love him soo much. His brother is going through the teenage years, or so we assume. He says a lot of things, does a lot of things that hurt his parents. But Jacky would always, somehow, make everything... a-okay, as he would say. He started getting headaches a year ago, but his mom never really paid attention. We've heard him complain nows and thens through this past year, but none of us really thought anything of it. Until one day, his mom touched his head and realized that there was a bump there. And well, the tumour's growing day by day, and he's getting a surgery soon. I'm so scared. I don't know what would we do if anything happened to Jacky. God...

• Hope is the back, recieving end of promise
• Promise is the front, giving end of hope
  Hope and Promise go hand in hand with each other
• Promise only means something if the person giving it can back it up
  as in... the person giving the promise has the ability to carry that promise out
• 4 types of hope:
  1) False Hope - hope that is fake... hoping for something that will never happen
  2) Unfulfilled Hope - (kind of self explanatory there) hope is not fulfilled
  3) Fulfilled Hope - the example Dan gave was him and Karen... they've been married for six years, and they fulfilled the hope of staying with each other despite the long distance when Karen left to Princeton
  4) Real, Honest-To-God Hope - hope in Christ Jesus. An unfailing hope in Jesus, for his promises are rock solid
• God cannot lie - it is out of his character to lie, the word "lie" is not in his vocabulary so that he "cannot" lie
• God confirms his promises with an oath - God gives us his promises, instructions etc. twice. He only needs to give them to us once, but he gives them twice so that we understand.
• Hold onto the rock solid promise of God; flee from other types of hope
• God's promises are rock solid, unshakable, guaranteed - allowing the Sabbath-rest for His people, so that we may be complete in Him

 

• Hope goes with faith
• A lack of faith prevents one to enter the Sabbath-rest
• Faith is believe AND obeying

Very good sermon today, I learned so much. It was refreshing and reminded me of a lot of things that I have forgotten.

"Damn... the meanings that come from those words... Hahaha. I know there was a lot of people that cared for me and probably still do. I'm sorry that I had to push you all away and I do regret it at times. I'm a thick headed guy, what more can I say? I chose to do this and I'll do this till I reach my goal."

I often lay there in the dark and wonder, how much would it take for me to give up on Syl. Though I can say that he's seriously been pushing my limits. Sometimes I even see that it may be easier on both of us if I just did, like he asked. Or maybe not even back up, maybe just back off and let him go. I would be so mad at myself if i'm just holding onto him too tight that I'm pushing him away. I remember what happened last time... x.x

in a way, i cannot see the line between letting go and giving up, which is probably why i haven't been able to make myself let go... of anyone for that matter. and me... i don't give up that easily, especially when it comes to people i care so much. sigh... let go... how do i do that? with trust and faith. easier said than done. it's sylvan... not just any other person.




And so highschool has come and gone. It really didn't hit me until last night. I didn't accept that until last night. Having all of them there last night, some of the people that I care most about, meant a lot to me. I know very well that I may never cross path with some of these people again, but last night seeing all of us together, I almost can't even imagine how can we not keep in touch. Me, Yoie, Tom and Yee went out for a walk last night, yes leaving the rest of the people in my house. Weird O.o Anyway... me and yoie were just talking about how much easier and funner it is to hang out with Leon and Tom and them. Tom... I regret knowing that guy so late, he's unbelievable... I would never have though him to be the person that he is. There's no way you would know him until you actually get to know him. Leon and Andrew, knew them since mcneely, yet... it feels like I never really got to know them until this year really, and trust me, one year was not enough of them. Yee and Walter, they are just so... simple. Actually... all of them are just so simple and straight forward, and knowing me, i love simplicity. So anyway, us four went out for a walk and saw Leon and Walter at mcneely so we went to join them. We were just sitting outside of mcneely, and it wasn't until then that i really looked back to these past 6 years, beginning in mr.harrington's class. And then I looked at them... Yoie, Leon, Andrew, Tom, Walter, Yee... I can't even remember how we got to come together, but I am so grateful for them. We've shared so much together, despite the relatively short time we've known each other... secrets, laughters that make us ache and make me and Yoie tear XD, simple tears, teases, the stupidest inside jokes........ They have made the past few months that much more bearable.
And Yoie... there is noone like her. She has and shares insights that noone else would have at this age. She and her mother have gone through a lot to get to where they are today and in Yoie, I truly see satisfaction and contentment. I've learned so much from Yoie over these years, seeing her change and changing with her. I'm so proud of Yolanda, she has tried so hard to become a better person, and one can only wish that they would have at least one friend like Yoie in their life.
And with them, it's almost like, we can just be in our little world, seperate from the outside world. There are no secrets between us. Like, I'm sure there are things we dont' know about each other, but there isn't anything we are "hidding" from each other. Just a very simple and genuine friendship in this group. Oh you guys should have seen us going crazy in my room downstairs XD We find so much joy in the least joyful things.

I'm so grateful for my friends...

today was an amazing day at church, everyday's amazing because God is with us, but today was different. So a lot of us are graduating or just moving on to the next stage of life. Graduating from highschool, university, elementary XD, from Regent (Henry =P)... moving on to be parents (aw Cindy and David had a baby boy - Adrian), moving onto another job... etc. And today Dan pointed that out and just had the whole congregation pray for all of us who are moving onto another stage of life, leaving the familiar onto... well, onto the unfamiliar. It's scary, but today, my church family just made it that much less scary. To have so many people praying for us, to have my brothers and sisters' hands on me and just praying for me, to know that no matter what these brothers and sisters are forever here for me, it all just made me so much more ready to leave Cambie.

'Sometimes things happen that make us ask, "Why, God?" and all we can do is look to Him in faith, - not understanding, just believing."

you know what I realized last night, I can actually enjoy studying. Yah after 12 years, I realize it NOW when i'm leaving highschool in 2 weeks x.x I was studying last night for Bio til like 4 (given i have yearbook and spare this morning), and I wasn't like... just looking at words on line paper, I was actually studying, did 2 provincial packages. Something got onto me last night, I was looking through textbook and even encyclopedia for answers. I would never do that before, like last night I actually wanted to find out why things happen and what this and that is and ecetera. Which is absolutely awesome. Can't say I got everything down pack nor can I say I remember everything I studied last night, but hey, I at least know all the biochemistry I think I need to know ^_^ which is cccccrazy. I've been trying to get through that unit since last week, but I never even got through half of my notes =.= As long as I keep this attitude up for the next week and a bit, I'm gonna rock!!! (who cares about mandarin XD). Maybe this is 'cause I promised mom last night that I will try really really really hard to do well on my provincials ^_^ I love my mom sometimes... like... I love her, but there are times when I especially love her. And there are times when I just want her to zip, still, I love her =}

So yah, just enjoying life. Yesterday went much better than expected. Karen's friends had some gathering thing and invited everyone, but I didn't go. Like I said to Iris, I don't see the point. They were probably just crying their eyes out anyway. Like it's good to be together and support each other through times like these, but well... I've got provincials and school and everything. And like Ian said so many times, Karen would want us to move on with our lives, keeping her alive in our memories and carrying on her legacy are what's important. The pain is never going to heal and... and I just didn't want to feel even more painful by being with so many people in pain. We've all shared our stories, said all that's needed to be said. We miss Karen, and we will never forget her. Believe it or not, she's still very much alive in my mind ^^ And just a reminder to myself to keep in contact with the family... it's the phonecalls a few months, half a year, a year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years down the road that are going matter the most. Right now, everyone is just busy keeping it together. I'm glad how Ian tells me what his family really needs, 'cause honestly, there's nothing much I can do... except those phonecalls down the road. I will probably drop by the cemetary and bring Karen some flowers after provincials or just some time in the summer. Me and Karen both love flowers, the smell of them and the prettiness of them, and how they can just make our days ^.^ Karen, we love you so much, so much.

Other than that... I'm just thinking I will just go to Kwantlen next year. Take Bio first year, eng, psyc, criminology, and mandarin if they allow me to. Still looking into this Community Support Worker program, I might change my application to that program instead. I like working in community centers and just simply doing what I've been doing all these years. Like honestly, I love my job, it's just so much fun and I can't imagine any better colleagues than the ones at community center. So yah, might change my program... I should make my decision before Josie leaves though... grrrrr