after i finally finished my exams and things, i was expecting this huge sense of relief. but instead, i feel weighed down by this huge sense of... stress and pressure... this need to scream and cry. like i want to scream right now and i want to bawl my eyes out for some reason. i feel even more tired than before my exams. i guess this was kinda expected... i was so stretched and tensed for so long... but now without work and school and cadets and all that stuff all of a sudden, i just feel like... *flop*

my mom was telling me all these things about the trip and how to behave and all that stuff, and the more she talked, the more frustrated and annoyed i felt inside. it's not her fault... but the more she talked, the more i feel this stress bubbling in me. and i just started crying without wanting to. she was like... "what the crap". and then i got her frustrated cause i don't even know how to explain to her why i needed to cry. even my back has been hurting more in the last few days >_>

i don't know what it is though. maybe it's because i knew what i was doing all this time and had so much "purpose" and just so much to do, but all of a sudden, it feels like everything's done and wrapped up, and there's nothing to do anymore so i feel like i'm without a purpose? i don't know. like i'm serious when i said i feel so out of place not working. right now i just feel like having a very very long uninterrupted sleep, just a very long comforting relaxing sleep.

i'll continue to pray about it and hopefully God will take that weight off me, whatever is causing it. it'll be quite an adventure coming my way, and i really need all the strength i have. truth is, i am scared. i'm super excited and looking forward to it, but i don't think i can lie to myself and say that excitement is all i feel. i am scared. 4 months is a long time to be away from home. and as much travelling as i have done, and as much "stuff" as i have done with cadets and all... this is far different, i don't have a "support group". when i look back, i would never say i was spoiled... i kind of take in offensively if anyone said i was spoiled... but i have always been blessed with always having people there supporting me through good and bad times. and during the hardest moments, i'd always have someone pulling me through. but this time... i won't have anyone to lean back on.

this is an opportunity from God though, i never would have expected all this to have actually worked out. and i know God is going to teach me to rely on him, He will teach me to let go and let him lead me, cause as far as i know, i don't know where i am going XD i know there will be many lessons learned in the coming 4 months, and i guess that is kinda why i'm scared. i don't want to grow up, i don't want to have things any different than how it is. as much as i know it'll only get better, it is intimidating to know things will be vastly different after these 4 months.

maybe that's it... i feel so vulnerable about growing up. being in college and this past year almost has allowed me not to grow up. the transition between graduating to starting a whole new chapter of life was actually quite ironic for me. graduating from highschool, it pushed me to grow up and mature and actually make choices that make a difference. but after graduating... being in a program didn't necessarily mean everything was spoonfed to us, but things were very structural. it became very clear to me what i needed to do in the next few years and it seemed like i could just see my life unfold in front of me, almost all too quickly. but even though life moved on very quickly, i was easily able to keep up with that, because well... that's where God led me and i can simply say that God prepared me well for that quick change and after adapting to that, things just went along at steady speed.

working... you would think that working so much makes a person grow up and whatnot, but working at sportmart... didn't need me to grow up? i was the baby of the store, they were all so sweet, they all took care of me. i always felt so loved there. and as much as i do get fed up there sometimes, especially during the last month working there, it really was fun working with most of those guys and i couldn't have asked for better colleagues. it's unbelievable how tight we are.

i'm just gonna stop now. writing all that (much more than i intended to write), sorting myself through all that kinda made me feel less weighed down. sorting through all that brought me to one conclusion, rely on God cause only He knows what is about to come my way and only He will be able to bring me through it. that is always a lesson i have yet to learn.

whao... 4 months. i cannot even begin to imagine what life would be like when i come back to this place 4 months later.